The Law of Attraction for Love

Friday October 23, 2020 01:00 AM To Friday October 30, 2020 01:00 AM

New York, US

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The Law of Attraction for Love

At the end (and at the beginning) of the romantic-comedy, Pretty Woman, a gregarious man shouts to no one in particular, “Welcome to Hollywood! Everybody comes here has a dream. What’s your dream?” The words “dream,” “fairytale,” and “romance” are often linked together in the same sentence and frequently imply synonymous meanings.

The fairytale read to little girls are filled with characters who fall head-over-heels in love when they meet their happily-ever-after partners. The longevity of each relationship is determined by the kiss. Unfortunately, if we fail to teach little girls to look for and value virtues such as kindness, respect, and responsibility when they meet potential suitors, they will continue to look to Prince Charming as a partner model.

I learned a hard lesson about my relationship expectations after hearing my own words. A friend helped me sort through photographs almost ten years ago on a Friday evening; hours after the love of my life decided he preferred someone else’s love instead. I was angry, lonely, and completely shattered. I did not choose or want to be single after 40.

My friend looked at each picture and grunted.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You date very handsome men,” he replied.

I thought it was a compliment.

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.

I didn’t expect him to answer my rhetorical question. I expected him to praise my excellent taste.

“What did you know about them before you met them?” he inquired.

“Well, they are accomplished, successful, and respected.”

“So are you,” he replied.

“What’s wrong with being attractive and successful?” I asked, feeling less flattered and more interrogated.

“Nothing wrong’s with that,” he explained. “But the guys you select, the guys who are so proud of your success are the same men who start criticizing you within the first few weeks of the relationship.”

“But it’s because I …”

“Stop making excuses,” he snapped. “Why do you keep selecting broken, dysfunctional men that come gift-wrapped in flashy packages?”

‘You don’t understand,” I argued. “How am I supposed to make a functional relationship work if I can’t make a dysfunctional relationship work?”

Ouch. Did I just ask that question?

I did not understand the deep, historical roots of my own words until I said them. Although the men I found attractive were handsome and successful, all of them were very judgmental … and often cruel. They criticized what I did, what I wore, how I spoke and, by the time they decided to leave the relationship, I was brutally beaten down … correction … I allowed myself to become beaten down by bullying behaviors.

To further complicate matters, I made excuses for inexcusable behavior (“They were going through difficult times,” “They were very busy,” “They’re sensitive and need my strength and support.”). I repeatedly ignored all of the “red flags” at the beginning of each relationship and stepped with my doctoral-degreed-high-heeled-shoes onto relationship landmines. I thought I could successfully fix broken relationships with broken partners if I could only successfully do one thing: change everything about me. And in the end, it never worked. Ever.

I accepted the fact that my relationships would never change until I changed – beginning with my choices.

I made a list of all of the things I wanted to find in a relationship. I filled two pages with characteristics in a future partner: over six feet tall, dark hair, blue eyes, “x” salary. My list was filled with surface attributes. I recognized that I needed more substance to my list if I wanted to find true love attract a lasting relationship partner.

Over the course of the next several months, my list changed and grew. Confident … kind hearted … someone who likes to go to the same church with me on Sunday mornings … social justice awareness … friendly … enjoys the arts. My list also became much more specific.

I kept my list inside my pillowcase. I did not believe “pillowcase magic” was a relationship magnet; but I was (without initially knowing it) naturally attracting the man I was looking for with focused intent. More importantly, I was also growing into and becoming the kind of person I was hoping to find in a partner. Without my knowing it, the Law of Attraction for love was at work in my life.

About six months after I started my relationship list, I called an acquaintance that specialized in home remodeling. I wanted to install a tile floor in my townhome that I shared with my cat and dog. He replaced the ghastly carpet with beautiful ceramic tiles. He painted the walls. He repaired things that needed to be fixed. I was aware he liked to cook when I first met him; I did not know he was a gourmet chef. I thought, “This man provides exceptional service.”

That was seven years ago. He continues to cook. And fix things. And he possesses all of the qualities on my list. Like Sleeping Beauty, I found my Prince Charming after I was shaken out of my metaphorical sleep. However, I did not allow passive chance to bring a life partner to me. I took the time and invested the energy into becoming very clear about the kind of man with whom I wanted to share my life. And, as I more fully defined the qualities I was looking for in a relationship, the less concerned I was about, to borrow my friend’s words, “flashy packages.”

At the end of Pretty Woman, Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts, “So, what happens after he climbs up the tower and rescues her?” And she answers, “She rescues him right back.” They found one another by chance … just like the fairytale. But relationships don’t stand a chance unless both partners are very clear about their own relationship expectations and clearly communicate their intentions to one another with rigorous honesty.


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Julie Smith

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Where and When
2136 Rosewood Lane
New York, NY
Start Date: 2020-10-23 01:00:00
End Date: 2020-10-30 01:00:00